Reposted from Instagram with a note: My rest will involve more regular blog posting. I’ve been on a path of discovery, looking for things I truly love to do. Writing is one of them.
I give myself permission to be.
Dysphoria. It was all-consuming. From the moment I knew I was transgender, it was constant. It filled my brain. It drowned everything else out. I went through life with all of the important bits as shadows. Fuzzy reflections of the moments they should have been.
Dysphoria was so loud, that there was no way for those moments to shine through. My wedding? Blurry. The birth of my kids? Fuzzy too. Their big moments like learning to walk or ride a bike? Dim and hard to remember. My grandparents passing? Foggy. Celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, and life moments? Hazy.
I missed so much – I was there. How did I miss it?
Transitioning, socially and medically, has all but erased my dysphoria. I am so happy to be in the skin I’m in. Each day my body more closely aligns with my gender identity.
Dysphoria was so loud, that there was no way for those moments to shine through.
With the dysphoria gone, my mind is overwhelmed with the self-imposed pressure to atone for the person I was. I feel the need to go and do all of the things I didn’t have the focus to do before. I feel inadequate. With a clear mind, I should be doing more – more for my kids, more for my family, more for my job, more for my community.
I have gone through a lot in such a short amount of time. I found my authentic self. I want to be all that I am meant to be. Today.
That’s just it. I’ve not permitted myself to be. To rest. To exist. To be nothing more. That’s what I’m doing now.
I’m going to rest. I’m going to exist. I’m going to soak up the sun on my face. I’m going to enjoy the beautiful skin I’m in and the authentic life I’ve been given – as myself. I’m going to hike, take pictures, make art, listen to music, and drive. Lots of driving. And dog. I’m going to play and walk my dog, a lot. I’m going to be present for every moment with my kids.
I’m taking a break from the pressures I’ve put on myself to atone for past me, to be an entrepreneur, to impact my community, to do more, and to grow by quantum leaps.
I need a minute to enjoy what it is to be me.
As my beautiful friend said, “It’s time to simmer.” I’m going to let things cook. When I come back, you can be guaranteed that I’ll come back zesty.”
We’ll talk soon.
PS. A longer post on dysphoria is in the works.