Hi. I’m T, and I’m visibly invisible.
I am an openly gay, transgender woman living in a rural mountain town. Many consider this town overly conservative and religious – I’ve called it home since I was 5. That makes me about as visible as one can get.
So why do I feel so invisible?
Some of the blame is my own. Before coming out and choosing to live an authentic life, I made sure (both consciously and subconsciously) that I didn’t have friends. I kept people well beyond arm’s length out of fear of rejection, or worse – ridicule. I turned down the few invites I got enough times to make sure people stopped inviting me. It worked all too well.
I found and accepted my authenticity. I came out and found I enjoy social situations and cultivating relationships. In the past year, I even started to develop close friendships. However, I’m still the new girl in many circles. A small town means lots of close-knit friend circles that have existed for a long time. I get it – I’m not top of mind yet.
Some of the blame is FOMO via social media. I see what I missed by not going out. The selfies. The fun. I’m a big girl. I can go out if I want to.
Here’s the but.
There are times where it’s nice to get invited to things – invited to hang out. To feel seen.
I don’t feel seen; quite the opposite, I feel unseen. For being ‘out,’ I feel like I’m still in the closet and invisible.
Today. This morning specifically. It felt like shit. I felt like shit. All of this is new to me – having emotions and being able to process them. I’m still learning, but I think I’m getting better at it.
I had a good cry and decided to work on some digital art and projects for my Cricut. The cry helped a little. Distracting my brain helped a little. I’m working on getting through the rest. There’s probably at least one more cry on the way tonight.
It’s such a strange feeling. I wanted so badly to disappear before. Now, I want to feel seen.
Also. Puberty 2.0. I think it’s finally starting for real. Hooray hormones and HRT. Excuse me while I go cry, again.