To date. I’ve had a lot of each.
Ending a marriage. Moving out and figuring out how to live with myself. Coming out and shedding the weight of guilt and shame. Family, friend and coworker support. Doubts. Lots of doubts. Peace. Contentment. Happiness. Rejection. Feeling unwanted. Content in my body and mind.
It’s a roller coaster that I’m tired of riding. I know I have many laps left before I can get off.
Today started fine. I’ve been me all day. Got dressed in one of my favorite outfits – mostly because the top matches my eyes. Talked to a few coworkers. Got a lot of work done. Walked into the bathroom and got really dysphoric about my hair. Down.
Beanie hat on. Fixed. Up.
The sun was shining. Grabbed the camera and went for a little walk. 50 degrees in February was amazing! Hooray for vitamin D direct from the sun. Up.
Headed back inside and a giant group of high-schoolers walks around the corner. I’m happy to be me. Truly. I’m out and pretty comfortable in public already.
But kids can be mean and it gave me an “oh crap” moment. Thankfully, the door was right there and I was inside. Embarrassed at my reaction. Scared of some little kids.
More work done. Feeling good about the day. Still loving the beanie fix. Back up.
Ride home, thinking about the end of fifteen years together. The thought of not being worth it to “try it through transition.” Back down.
Home. Still happy to be me.
Not quite up. Not quite down.
I’ll get through this.