The trauma of feeling unwanted.
Trauma.Emotional trauma.I lived almost half a lifetime feeling unwanted. Those feelings came rushing back with a vengeance on Monday. Quite unexpectedly, I might add. But isn’t that usually the case with deep trauma? I honestly don’t know, which is why I’m asking. I only have my own lived experience. And therapy. Lots of therapy. Disclaimer: […]
I’m her list.
I’m tired of being alone. For a minute I was feeling bad. Saying to myself, “you’ve only been divorced for a year and a half you haven’t really ever been alone.” But when I think about my life, the entirety of it has been spent alone. I never let anyone and even my ex-wife. This […]
Your Box.
It’s actually a prison. You sit there in your safe little box. You surround yourself with tv news and online articles that only support your beliefs and never challenge them. You limit your interactions with people in the world because heaven forbid, you meet someone you might disagree with. You have no direct experience in […]
Disappointed. Not Surprised.
If you’re new here, “Welcome!” TL:DR 2020 I started therapy in September. I came out as transgender in October. I separated from my wife and started HRT in November. 2021 I was divorced as of February 1. I socially transitioned on February 6. My gender was corrected by April. And I’ve been authentically me now […]
Vlog 02 | I’m T.
Take 2! Multicam Edit. Color correcting. It’s a lot easier with photos. Matching cameras isn’t for the faint of heart. The usual: I got a mic! I’m learning to use it. Better audio soon. Focus Daniel San. I’m sure it’s a lighting issue. I’m still working on the balance between my overheads, ring lights, and […]
Vlog 01 | Transition isn’t easy. I miss my kids.
I feel like the content here is important enough to give this piece the honor of being my first official YouTube Vlog. Vlog 01 TLDR: Transition isn’t easy. I miss my kids. Another learning video. I set my Canon M50 up to capture video. I placed my iPhone on the desk to capture a second […]
Words. From the heart.
The little boy couldn’t understand why she was different. The middle school boy didn’t understand why she didn’t fit in. The high school boy truly believed she was a mistake and destined for hell. The college boy’s eyes were opened to the fact that she was transgender. She wrestled with herself, wanting so desperately to […]
It’s not my fault.
Before coming out I was really good at one thing in particular. Holding on to the pain and misery of it “being all my fault.” All of the fucking time.
It still hurts.
It.Still.Fucking.Hurts. I wasn’t enough. I’m not worth knowing. I did irreparable damage over 15 years. She’s embarrassed of me. She’s ashamed to have been married to me. She doesn’t want people to know that I’m the ex. “She’s not my husband.” Some of these I still feel so strongly at times. Others zip in and […]
I’m doing okay.
That doesn’t mean it’s been easy. I’m only two months post divorce (officially). We were pretty well separated when I moved out November 1. Moving on with your own life when someone else was so closely a part of that life for so long – it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been faced with. It’s […]
