It.
Still.
Fucking.
Hurts.
I wasn’t enough. I’m not worth knowing. I did irreparable damage over 15 years. She’s embarrassed of me. She’s ashamed to have been married to me. She doesn’t want people to know that I’m the ex. “She’s not my husband.”
Some of these I still feel so strongly at times.
Others zip in and out of my mind like hummingbirds on a feeder.
I’ve had a very good string of days. Weeks even. I knew there would be a crash eventually.
It will get easier, right?
The worst of it all is the inability to completely shake the feelings of guilt. The feelings that it’s all my fault. And to know I can’t “fix it.” My marriage is over. And the thoughts that she’ll never want anything to do with me again is a hard one to handle.
If only I had come out sooner. If only I’d been authentic and decided we shouldn’t get married. I could have saved her the pain and embarrassment of being a #transwidow.
The thoughts came crashing in hard last night.
~T Jay
It. Was. Fucking. Rough.
My kids saved me.
They are incredible little people with GREAT. BIG. HEARTS.
For every crack in mine, for every chunk I’ve lost that feels like I’ll never get back, they add a little of theirs, bit by bit. Each time I’m with them, if nothing else, it doesn’t crack any more.
Don’t misunderstand my post. I am grateful to be me. I am happy to be me. I am confident in myself and the woman I’ve always been.
I am still so sorry for all of it. I don’t know if my heart will ever be whole again.
Transition is fucking hard. Divorce is worse.
But my kids love me and they love to spend time with me. I wore a dress all day today for the first time. They didn’t care.
Transition is fucking hard. Divorce is worse.
But I’m happy to be me and I am excited at my future.
Live a life authentic. Life a life positive.
XOXO
~T Jay
