I’m tired so I took my kids on a hike today. It was a short hike but it still felt great to get outside before the storms rolled through this afternoon. The boys had a great time and we enjoyed getting soaked by the waterfall.
Transition. Going full time as the woman I’ve always been. Learning makeup and how to dress my age. Doing my hair in the morning. Shaving all the time. Getting looks as I grocery shop or walk downtown. That’s easy stuff at this point.
It’s the mental battle to stay positive that has me so exhausted.
I have goals. I have projects I want to do. I have things I want to create. I’m tired. I don’t want to half-ass anything. I want to give my full attention. I haven’t started many of my to-dos.
Why is the. mental battle so hard?
She’s gone. Here I am. It’s a different sort, but I’m lonely – again. And it’s hard.
I couldn’t do it. I’m not a man and could never live up to those ideals. Fuck. Did I try. I fought so hard. Depression and anxiety clouded everything and I’m sure it looked like I didn’t try that hard.
She’s living the life she always wanted to live.
I’m wracked with guilt.
She’s living the life she couldn’t live with me as baggage.
She has a house full of new friends and new experiences.
These are the new thoughts I’m battling against. I’m thankful they don’t come at me 24/7 like dysphoria does when it’s running at full capacity. They do seem to come on stronger though. It takes more mental energy to push through to the positivity on the other side.
I am authentically me.
I am no longer living to someone else’s idea of who I’m supposed to be.
I’ve found myself.
I will find my people.
I’m a divorced, 40-year old transgender woman. I know that to my core and that’s where I’m starting from. For now, I choose my kids. I chose to give up weekends so I can spend the most time possible with them when I have them. That means it’ll take longer to find my people and fill my house with friends and laughter.
🍻 to you for making it through this ramble of a post. Did I mention I was exhausted?