A little about T Jay.

Hello, and welcome. My name is T Jay and you guessed it, I am trans. For the uninitiated, that is transgender, specifically, male to female.

If you are wondering, yes, I’ve known for a very long time but I buried it deep and locked my identity away where I had hoped no one would find it. The result was a life filled with anxiety, “would someone discover my secret?” In addition to the anxiety, I lived a life stressed out. All. Of. The. Time. Throw on mild persistent depression and there you have it. A life of denied authenticity.

2020 was a year of internal struggle. A battle with myself to understand who I was, how I was created, and how that could possibly fit in to the belief system I was instilled with as a child.

After what I would say was the hardest year of my life, I did the unthinkable. I was able to rationalize my creation with my beliefs and accept myself for who I am. I am a transgender woman. With the help of a wonderful therapist, I came out in October of 2020 to my family, a few close friends, and some coworkers whom I respect greatly.

In November of 2020, with the help of my therapist and an incredibly knowledgeable doctor, I began the process of medical transition.

This is my story as I write it.

From faking happiness to realization of just how deep the fog of depression, stress, and anxiety was.

T Jay trying to be happy
A more accurate T Jay mood
T Jay fighting the fog
Don't be afraid to start over

I am finding my authenticity and it has given me an excitement for life. My life.

I’m smiling on the inside. I promise.

I’ve always loved my eyes. I love to draw attention to them.

T Jay on the first day to be ma'amed

Me on the day of my first, “Thank you ma’am.”

Prior to coming out, I read story after story about others who transitioned. There was a common theme running through all of their stories, a theme about colors being more vibrant. At first, I thought they were being dramatic for internet effect. Accepting myself, coming out, and starting HRT, I now know exactly what they meant.

My depression was like a fog. It clouded everything. Life events that should have been colorful and vibrant were dingy and flawed. It shrouded everything I did and truly muted everything. Since coming out and starting HRT, the fog is lifting and life truly has more color. I feel more creative. I’m taking better photos. My design work is more inspired. I’ve freed myself to feel and express, and just be in the moment.

My friends and coworkers have also commented that I seem happy. There’s obviously something going on if others are noticing.

I am happy. I find myself smiling often and freely. It’s a wonderful thing.

I know this isn’t going to be easy. I know there are struggles ahead. I am ready to face them because this time, I will be facing them as myself.

The world told me it was a weed.
For a long time I listened to what they said.

I thought it was a weed.

One day I decided to look for myself.
What I saw was beautiful.

She was looking right back at me.

~T Jay